I’m going to start out by saying if you’re religious you may not want to read to this post or maybe it’s just too crazy and I’ll look insane. Judge yet ye be judged - who said that? Maybe I saw it in a movie.
I wasn’t raised in a religious family, sure my brothers were bar mitzvahed but we never really followed the laws of Judaism. Most holidays only centered on meals as a child and even later in life as an adult I’d make those same holiday meals for my family. I got married first by a rabbi and priest because that seemed right and then second by a rabbi because well same thing. Neither of us really believed but the ceremony was to be respected as a throw back to our ancestors who suffered so much. In truth everyone knows my favorite holiday is Christmas. I can out decorate my house better than any non-Jew and while I’m not ready for the great Christmas light fight- it’s perennially on my dvr to watch whenever. I also like going to church on Xmas eve - any church or denomination because guess what I know the words to all the songs they sing! I’ve met many men/women of the cloth all over the world through the years and yet only one has made an impact in which I think he has true spirituality.
Anyway not to bury the lead but today was a good day. A week after treatment and I practically worked all day (no napping); I sat out side in the sun; and I even cooked my own dinner (chicken cutlets - I can’t ask my husband to wait on the insane Chick-fila line anymore.....well that’s too harsh a statement they do make a good chicken sandwich). So after a full day I headed toward an evening shower; sitting under the shower for a long time with the lights off and planned to do my positive affirmation. Look I know, I have to be positive. But it’s not easy.
You see the only analogy (I’m big on analogies) for cancer I can create in my mind is demonic possession. Dont tell me it’s not....I tried the tapeworm analogy (but there’s weight loss involved) or the kidney stones analogy (but they just get zapped away - though I do appreciate it still hard to pass them after zapping). Even the Sigorney Weaver Alien analogy doesn’t quite work. Nothing else quite fits the thought that there is something I can’t see that’s taken over a part of my body that I’m fighting with. Early in the second occurrence of the disease it prevented me from breathing and talking. Requiring coughing and weird sounds when I talked too much. That happened again today....a good day... when I was on a few phone calls and my voice went weird and coughing started. Maybe I just pushed myself but maybe it was a reminder that this fight is not over.
So in the shower tonight with the lights off and full blast running over my head I started my affirmation .... you (we can’t name it because the devil has many names) will not get the best of me ..... I will win and drive you away ... and on and on shouting, drenched and crying from sheer fear.
Look I know science will win but the inhabitation of this thing in my body is the scariest. Early on my daughter asked me if she should find a priest to do an exercism. I declined realizing that the only way I could exercise this demon is by following the medical path and believing that I’m better than “it”.
In another week I’ll have a Pt scan and we’ll find out who won this round. I’m going to let my optimism and sheer love of gambling bet on the home team - “me”. I have to believe the odds are in my favor. I just need to keep reminding myself.....
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