Sleep is overrated

I can’t sleep...today was just the worst emotionally. Look, I get it. Rationally I have no choice. I have to do the treatment. But emotionally I’m still in the why me and what did I do to deserve this. I know nothing. Bad shit happens to good people. Does that mean good shit happens to bad people? How do I get on that list?

It doesn’t make any sense. Sure I don’t really follow the rules...I’m a limit pusher always in life and work looking for the gray margin. I think that makes me a better executive - you know that “out of the box thinker”. In my personal life that gray area has forever been my weight. I’ve been up and down my whole life. Weighing at one point upwards of 270 and at the lowest in my adult life 145. Big differential as my adult life spans 40 years. Even Matthew McConaughey can’t say he’s lost that much weight for roles during his career. But as much as I’ve pushed the limit on my weight my relative health has always been stable. Great LDH or ldLs or whatever. I guess now is when the ”chickens come home to roost” (been watching way to much programming on Malcom X). Yet I’m not a sympathetic character in a novel. I have a fabulous loving family, caring friends, an amazing career and have always led an exceptional life. Maybe all this is my reckoning. Today I had my first consult with the stem cell team. For two hours we discussed pre, during and post term treatment. I can boil some of my fears of the unknown in this experience to be the biggest issues. That no matter what anyone tells me and no matter what other experiences others have had there is no way to predict how my body will respond during treatment. I can estimate what the worst parts will be. I can imagine that during the six days of intense chemo to basically scorch the earth in my body but fortunately while I’m in the hospital I will experience vomitting, diarrhea, and more. Did I loose you yet? Then well pretty much starting day five through 10; I’ll have “my favorite” mouth sores preventing me from eating or swallowing. After all that joy and the stem cells have been ingested into my bone marrow maybe some fever and extreme fatigue for like 20 days. That’s the during. The pre starts with me going to a dentist. Anyone who knows me knows I hate dentists and that the only dentist I go to sedates me to clean my teeth and do whatever else is necessary. Oddly the last time I went to the dentist was November 2019 right before my initial diagnosis. Hmmm...no probably no connection right? Also during the pre I have to have this thing installed in my chest called a central line. It’s basically how all the good the bad and the ugly (insert whistle) come together in my body by letting the blood, cells etc go in and out. It’s placed in my chest near my heart into a main vein. They gratefully do this under anesthesia and when I asked if it hurt afterward I was told it would be annoying. Great I’m going to have this annoying thing inserted into my chest with tubes hanging out to collect and move blood, chemo or whatever the fuck else they’re putting into my body.

The post is a little happier but still concerning. Weekly bloodwork, special diets, limited access to people and whatever you do don’t get sick. At this point I‘ll still be weak with low blood cell counts. The weight should be shedding now from my body (the positive negative).

Right back to being rational....what choice do I have. Oh did I mention they said it has at 60+% cure rate but don’t worry we‘re not out of options if it doesn’t work. I want it to work. I want my life back for the next 20+ years with no other side effects or anything. It doesn’t change how scared I am or how difficult it will be. I empathize with those that have and continue to live a life more challenging than mine. My discussion doesn’t include the cost of this treatment or insurance because I’m fortunate not to have to worry about that. All I have to do is focus on being positive and getting through this as a winner. But the dark sides drag me down. writing the Blog does help put it into perspective. It also makes me feel like I’m acting like a whiny baby. Just push forward. Just suck it up. Maybe tomorrow...tonight I just feel sorry for myself, family and friends that watch me go through this. My next treatment is in 5 days and I’ve lost 17 lbs so far.