I can’t really call this the mother daughter chemo blog anymore. Tonight my mom lost her battle against cancer. It wasn’t actually the cancer that killed her but the treatment and the toll it took on her body. She just couldn’t win. And she knew...she called me from her hospital bed and told me she was going to die in the hospital. Of course I didn’t believe her at the time but it rattled me enough to call my brother and he to book a flight to her the next day. She knew, she knew when she called me to hear my voice, when she accidentally FaceTimed my brother to talk to him. I’d like to believe it gave her satisfaction to hear our voices and love even when my brother told her he was coming and she told him not to bother. My mom was a warrior a 20+ year survivor of breast cancer when the prognosis was death in a year. She fought that with every once of her being and created a world of positive messaging around her. She had more to do and she was going to survive and each year after she would go for her check up and say to the dr you’d told me I’d be dead, but I’m not. She wasn’t a titan of industry during her time on this planet; most times she was “just” a mom....to me, to my brother, to her step children who she nurtured as her own. She didn't invent anything we can’t live without, yet we wont forget how even this year she insisted on making her mushrooms for xmas. My mother taught me how to set a table, not just forks on the left and knives on the right, but bringing out all your best china, stemware, silver and special dishes. Over a year before we gathered at her house for Passover and she told us it would be the last time she’d be able to make the dinner. The table shined with her crystal and silver, above her favorite lace table cloth. Holidays and family time were events. But I also remember the silly things about my mom that are ingrained in me and I see come out in my relationship with my daughter. Very early in my first marriage, after giving birth to my daughter, she came for an extended visit to ”help out”. In my living room I had this valance of curtains draped across a huge picture window. It looked perfectly fine to me....but apparently not to her. One afternoon when I was out she stuffed the entire valance with paper making it puffy like a balloon. It seems silly now but we had an argument about these stupid curtains and how could she go and do that in my house without asking me. I know she thought we’ll that's how they’re supposed to be...and I’m sure she thought she was helping me out. I felt terrible about that fight I mean it was stupid and I left the curtains in their balloon state. Six months later mom was back to visit. This time I was working....when I got home I noticed she’d unstuffed the curtains. She felt bad too and wanted to undo the fight we had. Her reverse gesture resonated with me and even as an adult taught me a life lesson. It’s never too late to undo and make amends with those you love. Mom, I know I‘ll always miss you, I‘ll reach out to call you on my cellphone to tell you something but you won’t answer. Not in that moment anyway because I know I’ll always have your spirit in my and that as long as I’m alive a piece of you is as well. That’s why I continue and can’t miss my next treatment is in 2 days. Moms, is over and she’s at peace.
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