I just want to feel normal again...

That seems to be my mantra this week. This is the week during treatment I feel most like my old self before they hit me with another dose of chemical death. I can’t really explain what it means to feel normal again and perhaps I just have to adjust to the “new” normal because I’m forever changed. I may have always worried about cancer in the back of my mind but now it’s in the forefront. Will “cancer” become like an alter ego that continues to tease and haunt me? Am I physically changed? My hubby says no but I look at photos of me before and wonder if my hair, complexion and more will ever get back to that. I can tell you that chemo is not a beauty treatment I’d recommend. And what about my physical ability. I still get winded easily though I made it through the airport terminals recently to moms funeral. I guess my biggest question is about my mental state....I don’t mean my mental ability because I’m still sharp and on top of work and other things but I’m emotionally charged. Very short fused, no patience, and prone to bouts of crying. Now some of that is normally me (ok the first two, I have no patience for idiots), but the last one could be the drugs or just dealing with the overwhelming nature of what’s happening. I know no one will blame me for this but that’s not who I am, or who I perceive myself to be. I‘m like a running back in football pushing my way down the field head and shoulders down to make the completion of the pass. Sometimes theres a flag on the field....that must be what’s happening now. Somethings gone wrong so we need to take it back several yards and try again. Next week we go again, once again that backward and forward motion of chemo. Feeling not so great to feeling better. Since I’m half way done I can’t wait to finish. I know it will be quick but I can’t wait to yell “Touchdown”. My next round starts in 5 days. I miss you mom.