I’m losing my ire because I’m trying to come to grips
with what I have to do. Today was the pt scan afterward I was radioactive - should have gone to a casino, maybe I would have set off the machines ;) If you read the first post you know I don’t like pain (well really who does) - I talk about pain a lot because I’ve always told my husband to be careful with me as I’m a china doll. I guess I’m not really that breakable, I’m pretty strong in the face of adversity and I can compartmentalize terrible situations to get past them - but I’m starting to think that I'm just a master at denial. I’ve been fortunate that my relatives live for a long time. Both my parents are strong individuals that have overcome huge personal and physical adversity. My grandparents on my dads side and their parents before them lived well into their 90s so I was already in my mid-twenties when I lost my first grandparent and six month later the second. I remember thinking to myself at the time that the only way I could deal with it was just to pretend they were still living in Florida. So I did, putting aside the funerals and all, whenever I missed them I would just pretend they were out at some bingo game or restaurant so I couldn’t call them (that was before the prevalence of cell phones). Overtime I missed them less but never forgot them. I feel like I’m dealing with this event similarly. Going to work helps me pretend everything’s normal. My Husband and I even have a code when we want it talk about “it” in case either of us doesn’t want to. So today when I went for the PT scan I couldn't pretend - not when they put the IV in my arm (twice -missed the vein the first time) or when that cool radioactive fluid flowed through my body, or when I was lying on that cold table with my hands above my head being jutted in and out of the tube (well maybe then -I kept my eyes closed the entire time). At the end of the session I realized what I’ve always known. I’m a big baby, I’m terrified and I don’t know how I’m going to deal with this. I have no planned denial and it scares me shitless. So tomorrow my moms going for chemo and I’m going in 9 days.
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